Fear

Around 2 in the morning I had the urge to do a reading for myself.
I have often talked about how I normally feel lost or stuck within my path, I was having that same feeling but this time it was confusion of how I could move forward with my path when these headaches I have had for so many years have put a halt on what I can do.

So with having the feeling of needing to do a reading I thought it would be a good time to see what I should be doing among all of this.
Basically the cards told me I needed to face up to my fears, to learn not to let my fear control me and remember that there are people around me who I can trust and ask for support.
The cards also mentioned my ancestors, that there was something that I hadn't done that was connected to them.
Two of my grandparents died when I was either not born or when I was too little to actually know what was going on.
I was around 8 when my other grandparents died and I understood that I would never see them again (in the physical form) but I am not sure if I actually grieved for them, and I feel that is why I am so upset about not being able to have that connection with spirit lately.

Before the headaches started to happen I remember that I read something about fear in the book The Celtic Shaman, John Matthews he had also added a meditation which helped you to face your fears, after I had read this a couple of times I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing and went in a meditation state to do just that. I remember that I had came out of the meditation pretty quick and thought I had faced some fear. A few days after the headaches started, at first they didn't really bother me but whenever I would start and do some sort of meditation, spirit work or any other practise they would get worse. Appear around the side of my temples and then move to the front of my forehead (or the third eye area), no pain killer, herbal medicine or any type of healing could help them to stop and they could last for days on end.

I was looking back at the notes of that meditation just to see if I could find what may have gone wrong with it, and I remembered that I didn't really protect myself when in the meditation in case anything tried to harm me while in there.
There is a part of me which doesn't want to face my fears, because they are somewhat a comfort to me and I am used to them being there. I am sometimes not good with changes, I often do get panic attacks due to an appointment being changed or if something happens in my daily routine so I wouldn't know how I will be with this change.
But my fears have become my crutches and I need to learn and remember how to walk without them.
I have mentioned before about this headache in the post Spirit Work, I still believe that there may be a spirit who is around me who may be influencing the headaches as well so I still need to work on that as well.

Facing your fears can be a challenge and difficult, it can take time to deal with them, if you feel that you can not deal with them on your own you can always go and talk with someone about them to help you through it.
Fear is a natural and normal feeling we have and it is ok to admit that we do have fears.

Hello there

Hello, hello, it is such a beautiful day right now. The sun is shinning very bright right now, it feels so wonderful. Been sitting in the garden with my dog taking in her and natures positivity :)

I haven't been able to plant anything this year, well not yet anyways, as there have been threats of frost coming over, so I have had to wait and see. But I did manage to plant an indoor plant - basil! Yay, hopefully this time it will actually grow and I will actually remember to water it, lol. This is my first time I have managed to do any planting in what feels like forever, the problem is I now want to plant even more things, hopefully in the future I will.

The magpies have finally made their new home, it was originally their old home but the wind got a hold of it, so they have managed to rebuild it, love seeing them fly around the house :)

Am I back to my old self again?

Lets hope I am!
These last 3 months have been very odd for me, everything I did in my path, craft and meditation gave me these nasty headaches. So I got a spiritual reading done and found out that nature, my guides etc were trying to stop me so I could rest for the solstice to come. I did what I was told, even though it was driving me nuts!

So now the solstice is here I thought great, now I can meditate, but nope still got the headache. I took some pain killers and tried again, the headache got worse and I ended up asking the question on Yahoo!Answers. Someone kindly answered the question saying, stop trying to do it and ask your angels, God(s), guides (whatever you believe in) to help and heal you, listen to yourself and follow where you go, so I took his advice and after 15 mins I feel great! I am so pleased that I managed to meditate ^_^ Yeah I got the headache still but it doesn't seem as bad as what it used to be (plus if its near my time of month, I normally do get headaches..grr).

But yes, hopefully I can start being my old self again, yay!

Understanding why

Was going to make a video about this but the words just wouldn't come out, so maybe sometime later, I dunno.
Anyways if you watch my YouTube channel you will know that I have gone for a bit. I was feeling depressed that I couldn't make certain videos, that I couldn't do my divination or meditation anymore..Everything around me was telling me to stop, so I did. I will be back to making videos in January, but hopefully my usual day to day things will happen on or after winter solstice.

Right on to what this entry was actually about..

I feel that I know why everything was stopping me, especially with making videos...I was trying too hard to be someone that I am not. I saw every ones videos and how good they were, managing to make to record them and be so good at it. I just wanted to look like that. But I am different from them, it takes me a bit more time to understand things, I say things differently to what other people would say and that confuses people. I am not slow I am just awkward lol!
So yea, I think I might go back to basics and just start from there really.

Through my mind right now

How do I get to know myself?
How do I connect with the person inside of me?
How do I find what I am all about?

These questions and more are running through my head, I dont even know where to start. I have tried to do this before but I never get far, but now I really want to do this as I feel myself sinking deeper into the ocean..
Maybe I need to meditate more but there has to be something else to help me right?
I feel so out of focus right now..Maybe it is because I havent gotten my altar set up? But that wouldnt make me feel like this, right?
Or is there something else that is holding me back?

Argh I need to get this all sorted out soon, it has gone on for too long now..almost 5 years, I need to sort myself out.