Fear

Around 2 in the morning I had the urge to do a reading for myself.
I have often talked about how I normally feel lost or stuck within my path, I was having that same feeling but this time it was confusion of how I could move forward with my path when these headaches I have had for so many years have put a halt on what I can do.

So with having the feeling of needing to do a reading I thought it would be a good time to see what I should be doing among all of this.
Basically the cards told me I needed to face up to my fears, to learn not to let my fear control me and remember that there are people around me who I can trust and ask for support.
The cards also mentioned my ancestors, that there was something that I hadn't done that was connected to them.
Two of my grandparents died when I was either not born or when I was too little to actually know what was going on.
I was around 8 when my other grandparents died and I understood that I would never see them again (in the physical form) but I am not sure if I actually grieved for them, and I feel that is why I am so upset about not being able to have that connection with spirit lately.

Before the headaches started to happen I remember that I read something about fear in the book The Celtic Shaman, John Matthews he had also added a meditation which helped you to face your fears, after I had read this a couple of times I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing and went in a meditation state to do just that. I remember that I had came out of the meditation pretty quick and thought I had faced some fear. A few days after the headaches started, at first they didn't really bother me but whenever I would start and do some sort of meditation, spirit work or any other practise they would get worse. Appear around the side of my temples and then move to the front of my forehead (or the third eye area), no pain killer, herbal medicine or any type of healing could help them to stop and they could last for days on end.

I was looking back at the notes of that meditation just to see if I could find what may have gone wrong with it, and I remembered that I didn't really protect myself when in the meditation in case anything tried to harm me while in there.
There is a part of me which doesn't want to face my fears, because they are somewhat a comfort to me and I am used to them being there. I am sometimes not good with changes, I often do get panic attacks due to an appointment being changed or if something happens in my daily routine so I wouldn't know how I will be with this change.
But my fears have become my crutches and I need to learn and remember how to walk without them.
I have mentioned before about this headache in the post Spirit Work, I still believe that there may be a spirit who is around me who may be influencing the headaches as well so I still need to work on that as well.

Facing your fears can be a challenge and difficult, it can take time to deal with them, if you feel that you can not deal with them on your own you can always go and talk with someone about them to help you through it.
Fear is a natural and normal feeling we have and it is ok to admit that we do have fears.

Reflection Summary

Hope you all had a lovely holiday and do have a positive, fulfilled 2012.

When I went into hibernation back in September I didn't really stay down for long, in fact that part of the year I hardly did any reflection due to wanting to make sure the holidays were just right. As me and my partner had moved into our new place, I wanted to make sure nothing was going to go wrong and that everything was going to go smoothly for our first time in the house. And it did.
I just wish I had taken the same amount of time and effort to reflect on myself, there must be a good enough reason coming my way for me to not be as focused on that as I normally am.

As I haven't really got an actual plan on what I should be focusing more on this year I thought I would take the opportunity to try and do a new/old craft each month. I have been itching to do more of my crafts but with the move it made things a little bit challenging, but now we are settled I am hoping to take more time to do some crafting. One of them is to actually make some soap! Each and every time I have tried to make soap it has failed so this time I am hoping to do actually have some success in that area.

I just wonder how long this will last before I get distracted..

Inner Reflection

I have found that whenever I feel like I am beginning to get that disconnected feeling with my spiritual path I want to just hide away from everything. This is probably the main reason why I haven't been posting much.
I am not really sure why I get this feeling, I just feel that there is something I am supposed to be doing/learning but I haven't found what it is but it is staring right in front of me, that is what I don't like the most about feeling that way.
Plus it is starting to come to that time of year. I find that when Autumn and Winter are arriving I start to hibernate with my inner self. I start to look back at the first half of the year and see what I have managed to achieve, what I haven't managed to do and start to take notes from all that and see what I need to do for the next part of the year, until this time again.
I have been doing this only a couple of years but I do feel that it does help me in some way.

Back to basics

What I have found frustrating about myself when it comes to my path is when I hear about a subject that I have never heard of before and get really excited to learn more about it. Now that doesn't really sound like a bad thing, but I end up leaving the other subjects I was trying to learn more on and spend as much time as I can on this one subject..Until a few weeks later when I start to get stuck on where I go next from there.
As well I am not just focusing on one subject, I try to focus on so many that I end up not really interested in it because I can't seem to find any more information on the subjects.
I believe that this is why I have been feeling lost, stuck and disconnected from my path. As I was talking about this to my partner, he ended up telling me to close my eyes and pick out a colour with a subject, no second guessing, just the first colour and subject that came to my mind. So I did just that, about 3 times until I started to feel like I was second guessing myself.
Green - herbs, purple - cosmology and blue - Gods.
These will be the subjects that I will be focusing on for now, until I feel comfortable with what I know about each of them and even learn how to involve them in my practice.

My Beltane

For Beltane this year I had no idea how to celebrate it, normally I have these things planned out in advance but with all that had gone on within these couple of months I didn't really have time to plan. So in the end I stopped trying to plan and see how it all went on the day. Well it turns out it actually went really well and proved to myself that I should be trusting myself more so than I usually do.

As it is the end of the dark half of year and the light part is finally here, with the sun now shinning even more I thought it was about time I set two of my deities asleep/meditate/re-energise them selves for the next dark half of the year. And actually wake up my other two deities. (This all might sound strange but I will talk about this in another post).
So before I lit two candles which I set for my "lighter" Gods, I spoke out loud to The Cailleach and Nodens. Then as I lit the candles I again spoke out loud welcoming back Aine and Lir. After I done this I burned some incense which I made for them two and then went on to have a little talk with them.

On the afternoon of that day, me and my partner went to a couples house to see a puppy, we have been wanting a puppy for a long time and finding a house seemed the right time to get one. We were only going to see if we liked the puppy and if the puppy liked us. As soon as we saw him we knew he was for us. He is a Kelpy x Labrador, 7 weeks old and is the biggest one out of them all. We already knew what to call him, Merlin.

Toad

 A couple of times I have been doing some journey work to find my animal guide. Each time I have gone I have met a toad. Before he was a little hazy, I couldn't really make out his appearance at all (or even remember what the toad looked like).
But when I went this time I made sure I took note of what the toad looked like, even if it was a certain colour and how he moved etc. So afterwards I regained my balance and took some time to steady myself and then decided to do some research on what it means to have a Toad animal guide.
Pretty much everywhere was saying the same thing:

Altered states of  consciousness, Earthly energy, courtship with sound, the need for self-examination and drawing upon your inner resources, camouflaging poison, changing luck, representation of the Moon and both Life and Death  (In alchemy the Toad signifies the dark side of Nature) 

Except for one site which helped me find what different toads actually mean when it comes to animal guides, and I found one that was very similar to the toad that is my animal guide.The Natterjack Toad, this toad is different to other toads as it prefers to run rather than jump, it can also climb and is a bad swimmer.
This type of toad pretty much teaches that even if you are a toad you don't have to remain toad like. I am starting to understand a lot more now why he is helping me with my journey so far.

Today was such a magical day

OK not that much happened, in fact I spent most of the day indoors doing some research on a few craft projects I have in mind.
But late in the afternoon I decided to go for a walk, the sun was pulling me out towards it and as soon as I stepped outside the air felt even more fresh than usual, spring is arriving.
After half an hour of being outside looking at every single tree and the rest of nature, I came indoors and grabbed my camera and went outside for more nature time.

I haven't made contact with nature since winter came last year, so catching up with what has been going on and changed was greatly needed. I noticed certain things that weren't there last year and were there today, I found a little stream (although it could be just the water from the farmlands) that I hadn't noticed at all since I have lived here.
Now I have stopped worrying and stressing over what practises I need to do (well, I haven't stopped all together but I don't stress about it half as much), I am starting to see so much magic all around my little countryside.

My path

Every time I come to talk about what my spiritual path is whether it be in a blog or through video I just seem to clam up and not be able to talk about it. Its not that I don't know what my path is, its just for a very long time I have struggled with finding the practises that make my path.

Whenever I read a book, website or through video that has some information on hedge witchery, I used to feel as if I was doing it wrong because I wasn't doing their way. But I am starting to realise that that is who they are and I need to focus more on what I can do that is around me.
I felt like there was this huge gap inside of me which couldn't seem to be filled up, I was trying so hard to find what practises I could do in my path which ended me with having huge headaches as I was always coming to a dead end. Then I started to think about what do I believe in, what is inspiring me the most and drawing me towards it.

I feel more strongly towards the Celtic Gods and Goddesses and I do feel that I am inspired and are more drawn to that culture. Although it can be difficult at times when doing research of the Celts spirituality (pre-Christianity) as there is very little information about them. This is probably where I started to struggle again and begin to get that huge headache from endless searching but no where closer to what I was looking for.

The witch of the forest grove   and walking the hedge had mentioned something to do with looking into the folktales of the certain culture to see about how you could bring that into your practises, as sometimes within poetry and stories lies the practises and such of that culture. So I am at the moment searching through Celtic folktales to see what I can find and even seperating them by going through the Scottish, Irish, Welsh etc. Also I have decided it is about time I take a more closer look at the history of the Celts, to honour them and learn more of there lifestyle.
I would love to learn some of there language to be a bit more closer to them, but I am having trouble to choose so that will be another challenge for me to come to.
I also found that the Celts did like to honour their ancestors and travels of them. And ever since I was little my family would always talk about when they were little and how their grandparents would go on and how they went on when they were little and still today we do that, and it made me realise that I am honouring them and it is a practise that I do. I have photos of them lying about, talk to them as much as I can (although I should talk to them more often).
I also enjoy walking around my local area, seeing everything around me and what is changing, giving thanks to nature for what she is giving to us and sometimes I try to stand still and hear their songs and stories that they tell, or even messages that they are trying to give to me. As they are my teachers and they give me my lessons to learn.
I never realised it until now (when I was researching up on kitchen witchery) that what I make, i.e - bath bombs, lip balms, bath milk, shower gel etc. Is part of kitchen witchery along with your usual baking and such. So that is a practise that I do pretty much all the time.

All these little things I have been doing make up my path and I never understood that. All the time I was trying to fill a gap and do so much searching that it ended up hurting me when all this time it was right there infront of me.
I know now that this is a test that the Gods, my ancestors, the land was giving me to see if I could pull and work through such a task like this.


It may not sound like a typical hegdewitch or for some they feel annoyed that I call myself a hedgewitch because it isnt the way that they go. I dont care, but I do at the same time, this is my path and I am finding my ground to where I can plant my roots and grow and set my surroundings. Maybe in time I will add more practises but at this moment this is basically what I do and know well how to do.

There is something I would love to be able to do and that is cross the hedge, for me that is an important part of hedgewitchery, and even though I cant do it just yet I know in time I will, just right now I am building myself a stable ground. :)

Cailleach

Disgusting old hag, ugly as the word sin,
One look from her could make you spin,
But her eye, oh her beautiful eye,
Such wisdom, beauty, secrets of the world,
No one could ever sing of,
She is feared, she is greeted,
But Cailleach is never far.

As I am searching more into my spiritual path I am finding things out which I over looked before. Such as the deities, I always saw the same Cailleach but I never really bothered to actually take the time to research this Goddess and truly find who she is. Until now, and I feel that there is a reason why I have found my way to her.
There isn't that great of information written about her, or known about her, only first hand texts. But I don't wish to read upon them as I want to experience that for myself (sometimes if I read someone else's experience before I have my own when its about the same subject, I feel that I may be encouraged to have the same experience as them). But from what I can understand about Cailleach is that she is connected to the earth in such a way that she has some of the earth attached/growing on her body, some will even say that she is Mother Earth. The time that she comes out is after Samhain towards Winter time, where she spreads the icy, snow weather when she travels.

From what I have read up about her, I do fear Cailleach. She has all this power at her feet, who wouldn't fear this woman, this Goddess? We are all connected to the earth and as she is Mother Earth she can do what she likes to us, that's if we carry on being selfish human beings. - Well just look at what is happening to world today, all these fires, snow storms, floods etc. Who is to say that this is not her screaming at us?
But at the same time of fearing her, I honour her, I will always greet her and welcome her. Not because I am scared of what she might do, but because there is so much history to her. So many lessons, stories and so much wisdom that she can teach us. That is if she will tell us and we have the patients to listen.

This is all I have learnt at the moment about her, I hope I can write back soon with so much more experiences to tell about my journey with her. But maybe she is just testing me to see if I am ready to listen to what she has to say.

The unknown

In the shadows I am, hearing each silent whisper

Nature is my teacher, showing me how to travel

The Gods are my audience, giving me tasks to fulfil

The other beings are my guides, giving me strength to heal

I am the unknown, yet my name is set in stone

Its catch up time

Hello, hello! I know it has been a such a long time since I last posted in here and I apologise, I thought I had made a post about it in here as well as on YouTube, but apparently I didn't.

So, why did I stop posting blogs (and videos)?
I guess I needed the time away to clear my head and sort through some self issues and spiritual issues. Along with that there has been a huge family event which happened on 10th August, my sister gave birth to twins (boy and a girl). They are so beautiful and healthy and just full of life it is wonderful to finally have them here. Sadly there wont be any photos posted of them on here or anywhere else that I belong to, her wishes not mine.

If anyone has watched my videos you will probably know how annoying it is of me when I keep talking about my spiritual path, and not knowing the direction or what path it actually is etc. So this is the main reason why I took a step back, I needed time to re think about what it is that I actually wanted out of this path and it did really matter what it was called.
I was starting to read more books on my path and follow people who had a similar path but all the time the books, blogs, websites, videos etc. Kept telling me I shouldn't do this, I need to do that. It was slightly over whelming when you are just in the starting area of your path. The information seems to be for those who have had the experiences that they are talking about and it made me feel very little at one point and wonder if calling myself a hedge witch was the right thing to do.

I stopped reading that many books, took myself away from the Internet and actually concentrated on what I knew and could do. I do call myself a hedge witch, even if I haven't crossed the hedge yet, I am still learning, I need to sort through fears before I can even go anywhere else.
Although I am starting to journey, just small journeys but none the less its still a journey and its helping me to face fears.

On top of that I was also trying to deal with some self issues, accept myself, my body, the way I look etc. It is very difficult when you have basically had it put into your head that you are ugly and no one will want you or you will never get anywhere. I have believed that since I was about 13 I guess and it has taken me along time to start changing the way I think. So things are gonna start getting raw for me, emotions have already been flying everywhere.
Why don't you just go and see someone and talk about your feelings and get it done with there?
Because I have tried that before and it didn't really work. Yes it helped to step outside, and be more confident when outside and helped me to not have a panic attack, but it didn't really help me to feel welcome in my own body. That is something we all have to do on our own.

And on top of all that I have been creating a few products as well, which I will be posting on here very soon.
So its been pretty busy for me and still is. but hopefully I will be more updated from now on. :)

A thought or two

At the moment I am looking deeper into my path and my spirituality, it is starting to hurt my head lol!
The thing that is getting to me the most, is that there is no actual books or websites that help you future. Yes I know the meaning of what a hedgewitch is and such, but that is all they tell you, they don't go into further, maybe that is because the person itself has to find their own way of doing things but it would be nice if they mentioned it a little bit.
I am getting frustrated with seeing all the Wiccan websites and books, it seems that they are trying to take over! It upsets me in a way, the fact that very few people know about the old ways.

Another thing that has been hurting my head is trying to learn more about the Celtic ways, I know there is hardly any info about them in the first place and I believe that is whats getting to me, again I feel upset by this, no one will truly understand (or try to) or be able to read up on what it was like for the Celts.

Life would be too easy though if we had everything written down. And this is a good step for me, to understand my frustrations and my passions with in my spirituality, it will all help me to be a better witch, person and spiritual being.

The type of hedgewitchery that I do

I received a comment from Mrs.B asking what type of hedgewitchery do I practise, and I thought I should actually make a blog about it.

In my practise I do

• Contact spirits, working with them in my everyday life, its easier for me since I am a medium so I don't always need to go into a trace to make contact.
  
• Honour my ancestors, this may also be the same as working with spirits, but I feel that these two things are a bit different from each other. When working with spirits, I don't really know who I am gonna get..It isn't always someone from my family.
• Healing, since I am a level 1 reiki practitioner again I have a "boost" to my healing ability, (not saying that everyone has to be a reiki practitioner to be able to heal, but it does help me alot), I also try and to healing with herbs, oils, crystals and stones. What I heal is the land, people, other beings, animals.

These are the 3 things that I mainly do in my path I guess.

So, have you done any trance work before?
No. I feel as though I haven't been given the "call" yet. That may sound odd, but I do not want to put myself in any danger, so I feel it would be best for me to prepare myself and get the call, rather than rushing into it and doing some damage.

In my practise I also do a lot of divination and learning about herbal remedies, creating my own herbal products. You could say these are hobbies and are just for fun, but for me I make sure I involve them in my practise. (By empowering them, putting healing energy into them etc).

Some can say that I do a little bit of each hedgewitchery, but I feel more closer to the "traditional" hedgewitchery.

So, what type of rituals/spells etc. Do you do then?
I don't have any specific spells or rituals. When I do a spell I will do it when I feel ready and work with what i have got, I don't really like to wait for the certain moon cycle, or what day/time etc..Like some other witches do.
My rituals are mainly when it is a festival, or when I am honouring my ancestors. I don't always do them a ritual, but at times I feel that they need a little more attention.

I am still finding pieces of my path, so at the moment I don't really do a lot when it comes to rituals and what not..

Disconnected from my spirituality

Wow, it feels like forever since I was last on here. There isn't really any excuse why I haven't been on here, just felt the need to break my self away from this blog and my YouTube account.
Mainly trying to deal with some self image issues and again health issues.

Lately I have been feeling so disconnected with my path and if you are a sub on my YouTube account you will probably seen the video. But something else has been pulling me away from it, and I just cant find out what. You know when you have misplaced your keys and you cant find them but you are sure they were where you put them, it is sort of like that feeling.
It doesn't help that I like to do research on my path and try to search it with a fine tooth pick. I have to learn to pull myself back from doing that, because then I feel really drained and away from it. When the beauty of being in the path is finding it out as you go along.

It doesn't help that most sites and books I have found are mostly Wiccan based, where my path (well the hedge witchery) is following the more traditional path. There are very few books that I have found that fit in with the hedge witchery. But I don't want to buy books for a while..(wow, that book ban from last year has really helped me!)

I sometimes feel very lonely, as not many people follow a similar path to mine, so I have hardly anyone to talk to about this, in ways that they can help me find the right direction. Not telling me straight on with what I need to do, but just giving me a little nudge.
This is why I have felt like I am an outsider of the pagan community, everyone has this tight group with their similar beliefs and practises, and what not, and then there is me. Someone who is outside the box who doesn't go by any guidelines/rules/laws. I just feel like no one seems to connect with me at all.

I love my path and I know I am connected with it, its just these times get very lonely, and make me feel disconnected. These are probably the main problems with following this path. Hardly any info for you and no one who can you can talk with.